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Win Friends and Influence People
Sunday, August 3, 2008A quiz you should get
Alright, what will fetch you more success – being introverted or extroverted?
I know you think YOU know what I want you to say. And maybe you’re right. After all, it’s a lot easier for extroverts to meet people than introverts, eh? There’s no doubting it. And extroverts also tend to be more personable, faster to charm, soakers of attention… while introverts often are alone in a corner.
BUT – and this is a big one – all the things that seem GOOD about an extrovert can be turned around on them. They can come off as insincere, eager to please, all that sort of negative stuff.
And the INTROVERT can come off as mysterious, confident, at home in his skin… all that sort of positive stuff.
No, really
I have a friend who is VERY shy, but he gets tons of ladies. How? He lets everyone else talk and blab and yabber away, all these guys trying to impress the women, and he just calmly listens from the edge of the group. Then, when he sees an opening, BAM, he makes one extremely insightful biting comment.
Usually the talkers sort of fade away after that, their confidence shattered by ONE well-thought out comment. My friend gradually takes a larger role in the discussion through cajoling, but for the most part he just LISTENS and saves everything up for an occasional GEM.
I’m not saying that introvert is the way to go, or that you should be gregarious all the time. In truth, a little of this and a little of that at different moments is the best approach, but it DOESN’T REALLY MATTER.
BOTH can work. Both DO work. Because the REAL discussion on this issue isn’t about how talkative you are.
That scale, taken alone, is meaningless. You could never shut up and it could be great or horrible – you could never say a word, same thing, it’s NOT about how much you talk or even how many conversations you start.
So what is it about?
What it REALLY is about is RELAXED CONFIDENCE. And you can act confident saying everything OR nothing.
This is just a roundabout way of me reinforcing one of my favorite points: it’s NOT what you say, it’s HOW you say it.
It’s in the attitude and the BODY language.
Am I a teacher? Or your inner smarty pants?
And of course you KNOW all this, deep in your bones. I’m just verbalizing it – which hopefully will make it easier to ACT using this knowledge.
For instance, if I show you two guys, one quietly leaning against a post with a sardonic smile, the other approaching EVERYONE with a nervous grin and speaking WAY too fast, barely breathing – which one do you think is more likely to go home with a girl?
Or if there’s a dude who has a relaxed funny answer to everything and plenty of interesting anecdotes and stories – and another guy is hunched over in a booth toying with his coaster and afraid to make eye contact with anyone, who’s getting the girl?
Congratulations, you’re right on both counts.
Because you already KNOW what you have to do.
In fact, MOST guys know EXACTLY what they have to do to get any woman at any time. It’s buried in our BONES, sometimes deeply, but it’s there.
Why, then, don’t we always GET the girl?
Good question, sad answer.
Man, men are screwy
Most of the time, it’s just because we’re SCARED to do it. Introverts and extroverts are BOTH convinced that THEY have a problem which prevents them from doing what they NEED to. The problem may seem different – introverts usually can’t get up the bravura needed, extroverts usually have too much nervous energy to listen to their knowledge when they need it – but in truth, it’s the SAME problem.
Because it’s just a matter of a limiting belief. You don’t think you can, and like the little engine’s evil twin, you can’t.
How’re we going to fix this huge little problem of ours?
This time, we’re getting at it from the outside in.
Practice time
We’re going to CARRY ourselves like we’ve got a great working relationship with our own knowledge, AND that we can act on it anytime it’s called for.
And pretty soon, it’ll become true.
If you’re extremely extroverted, practice THINKING before you say some things, make sure it’s the right thing to say. Don’t be afraid to take your time, everyone will still be listening two seconds from now.
If you’re too introverted, practice DOING exactly what you’re thinking. Even if it seems crazy and you’re ‘sure’ everyone else will hate it. Trust me, even if it bombs completely, it’s not that bad. And more likely, everyone will LOVE it because THEY know it’s the right thing too – they were just waiting for someone ELSE to do or say it.
As always, carry yourself standing tall. Expand yourself, don’t shrink (this especially goes for the heavier-set, who have a tendency to try and hide their belly which, ironically, makes it look larger as you slouch and double it up). Eliminate your eager language – no close talkers here. No soft talkers either – if you aren’t speaking loud enough for people near you to hear, you’re telling them ‘I’m not saying anything important’ or, worse, ‘I have ZERO confidence.’
Don’t get hung up on how MUCH or little you speak – just try to say everything with RELAXED CONFIDENCE.
That’s it. That’s ALL you need to worry about. Do everything else in the style and with the frequency that’s most comfortable to you – because you want to be as COMFORTABLE in your skin as possible. That’s the key.
Stop worrying over the things you THINK are hurdles, and start concentrating on the ones that really ARE in your way – things which you placed there yourself.
Get rid of them, and NOTHING will be able to stop you.
